God saved me from attempted suicide

Posiano’s testimony.

Talofa lava! 

My name is Posiano Iosefa, and I am going to share my personal testimony about how God saved me from attempting to take my own life. I would like to shed some light on a part of my life that is a very real struggle for many people, but that is rarely talked about because of the shame attached to it.

First off, I want to give you some context of what my upbringing was like; how it impacted my self-identity and the way I viewed the world, and how it ultimately tainted the way I viewed God. 

I grew up in a religious home and attended a Catholic school. I had a basic idea of who God was, but my home life was very dysfunctional. I was exposed on a regular basis to things like domestic violence, and emotional and mental abuse. My formative years were extremely traumatic, and eventually, I became numb to it all. I thought my family’s behaviour was normal.

In my teenage years, I started drinking and taking drugs. The hurt I felt started manifesting itself in violence towards others and in the inability to deal with conflict in a healthy way. 

At the age of 16 going on 17, I met my future wife. At 19, I found out that she was pregnant. I had no idea how to be a father - let alone how to be a good one! The one thing I did know for certain is that I needed to change, but I didn’t know how. 

The baby soon arrived. Sick of my failed attempts to try change myself, I called out to God: ‘If you are real, please, save me. My life is a mess, and I need you to help me.’

God answered my plea, and I encountered His love enveloping me. It was like a heavy, damp blanket had been lifted off my shoulders. A lightness and peace that I had never experienced before filled me, and I wept uncontrollably, like a baby. I knew God had saved me. As it says in Acts, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved!” (Acts 2:21).

After that, my life changed dramatically. I got married and had two more children. My wife and I started attending our local church, and eventually became its youth leaders. We were both working full-time jobs, doing youth ministry, and juggling raising a young family. Four years into the youth ministry role, the stress began to have a toll on our marriage. I started to act out of old behaviour patterns, getting violent with the kids and my wife. 

Eventually, my ongoing violent outbursts became too much, so my wife took the kids and left. Everything came crashing down. I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite. I called myself a Christian, but I was acting like this! There were so many things

I had pushed down because I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. I felt hopeless, and thought, ‘What’s the use? My family has abandoned me, and God has left me too.’

That was when I decided I would try to end my life. But God had a different plan. My brother happened to find me and called an ambulance which quickly rushed me to the hospital. By God’s great mercy and grace, I survived one of the scariest moments of my life. As Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

That ordeal was the catalyst to pursue healing from the trauma in my past. God was interested in healing my brokenness, which meant confronting some things I had pushed deep down. He wanted to bring restoration to those dark places. 

Revelation 3:20 says, ‘Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.’ God wanted to come into the rooms of despair in my heart, bring His life, and dine with me - if I was willing to be vulnerable with Him. 

Part of that meant seeking out help that would deal with the past trauma that I thought had gone away when I gave my life to Jesus Christ. The pivotal moment of my healing journey started when I was introduced to the healing ministry of the Elijah House which my wife and I attended over the course of two years. This was very significant in bringing resolve to our marriage and healing to our family. 

Healing also meant dealing with unforgiveness in relationships with my parents and taking responsibility for my own bitter responses, and the expectations that were now influencing my own adult life. I can’t change people or the things they have done to me, but I have the power to allow God to change my own heart. 

Due to God’s grace and love for me, He has restored my marriage. My wife and I are discovering more of who we are in God and who we are as individuals, as we heal and journey into wholeness in both mind and soul.

My five kids are not little anymore; three are young adults and are on their own journey of discovering their faith. The other two are teenagers. They attend Church with us and have their own relationship with God which they are learning to navigate in these difficult times. 

The road to healing is not going to be easy. It will take a lot of courage to confront really hard issues from our past, and it only starts when we are willing to acknowledge that ‘it begins with me.’ Then, God will help us by putting people around us who will journey with us on the road to wholeness. 

If you are struggling with past trauma or mental health, please reach out to people who have journeyed through these very real issues and who show obvious fruit of healing in their life. Don’t ever believe the lie that nobody cares. You are not alone, and God cares deeply for you and all His children. 

God bless you.

Your brother in Christ,

Posiano Iosefa