Ask An Older Christian

George and Elaine answer your questions about life, faith and following Jesus.

Elaine Holwell (72): I came to know Jesus when I was 28 years old while living in Vancouver, Canada. Later I returned to New Zealand to study in a mission school, and then went with the mission group to a refugee camp in Thailand. I stayed there for 12 years, and then served in Vietnam for another 21 years. I am now living back in New Zealand but I often travel back to teach and encourage the Vietnamese missionaries.

George Stonehouse (83): I came to know Jesus when I was 15 and sensed His call to ministry soon after. It was not until I was 40 that I was ordained. I trained as a science/math teach and taught while training part-time for ministry. After 19 years training teachers, I was appointed vicar of a large evangelical/charismatic Anglican church in Auckland and remained in that role for 18 years until I retired.

Why would a loving God stop people from fully expressing their chosen gender/sexuality?

Elaine: Firstly, let’s make it clear that a core tenet of the Christian faith is free will. People are free to make choices about how they live and express themselves. A loving God allows people to explore, question, and even disagree with traditional interpretations. However, there is a great need for us to understand the nature and character of a loving God. His design for us is often framed as a pathway to thriving relationships, both with others and with God. This is what we should explore more.

If someone struggles with feeling that God opposes their self-expression, they may find it helpful to approach God directly in prayer - seeking guidance and understanding. What remains central for many is the conviction that God’s love is unchanging, and everyone is invited to live in that love. If this is a personal question for you, I encourage further exploration, discussion with trusted spiritual leaders, and prayerful reflection.

George: My first response is to say that because God is loving, He has chosen what is best for us. He created us as male and female to express the uniqueness of our male and female sexuality so that we could have children and enjoy the love that He gives us. I believe that God designed sexual relationships to be between a man and a woman. God’s intention was to create Adam and then Eve so that they could express their love sexually and to bear children. Two men or two women are not able naturally to fulfil God’s design for procreation. Paul had some hard words to say to those in Rome, and elsewhere, who chose to ignore God’s plans for the relationship between a man and a woman and who chose to express their sexuality with someone of the same gender (for example, Romans 1:18-27). God does not stop people from fully expressing their gender/sexuality with someone of the same gender, but He chooses not to bless those relationships. Sexual expression is not the only way to find happiness and fulfilment. Many people chose to live a celibate life rather than experience the disappointment and regret of a sexual relationship that does not have God’s blessing.

How do you know whether to try pursuing a relationship with someone you like - including if they’re the right person, and if it’s the right time?

Elaine: There is no such person as the right person. If you move into a relationship, try to be sure you are content in God before you begin. See Him as the source that meets your need to be loved, rather than looking for someone else to do that. It’s out of the fullness of His love that we become ready to move into a relationship and give love to someone else. Are you at that point? John 3:16 says that God so loved the world that He...got us? No! “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.” He gave. This is how a relationship should work, with both people there to give love.

George: Scripture tells us that “the Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). I believe that this verse sets out a key principle in pursuing any serious relationship; and have no doubt that although God gives us free will, He will guide us if we ask Him.

In this generation, appearance, popularity, wealth, and status all impact relationships. But my experience tells me that traits like humility, integrity, honesty and caring for others are of greater importance. I have no doubt that pursuing a relationship with someone you like is a matter of the heart, but it also involves having common interests and shared beliefs and takes time to develop. Two people have different experiences to bring to the relationship, so it’s important to get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses; likes and dislikes. Obviously, it is necessary to take some initiative in befriending someone, so prayer is a good place to start, as it brings God into the centre of any developing relationship. If the friendship develops into love and a desire to spend life together, then honour each other by not engaging in a sexual relationship until marriage.

How can you discern whether God is calling you to stay at your current church or find a different one?

Elaine: No church fits us perfectly. What are your values? To be part of a community/fellowship? To grow in the word of God? To be fed? If you have different values from your church, then maybe you should change - but there is a need to be careful. If you want to withdraw and leave because of bitterness and hurt, then in maturity, the Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Find someone you trust (preferably in leadership) and pray with them, repenting from your wrong attitude and forgiving those you feel hurt by.

Our Christian walk is about exercising brokenness and humility, which is how we correct our sinful nature. It doesn’t happen by magic, but it’s how we keep a right relationship with God and others. Remember the fear of the Lord! Don’t let seeds of darkness grow in your heart, and don’t take offence — this is very dangerous. Life is about our attitude. It’s good to be moving on from a church for the right reasons, rather than out of hurt or bitterness.

George: As a pastor, I would at times have people come to say they were leaving to go to another church. Rarely did they say that God had called them to leave. Later, some would come back to say that the church they had gone to was showy on the outside but was spiritually hollow on the inside, and not very friendly. I have no doubt that God does call some people to join a different church. Discerning that call requires prayer with others and a clear conviction that this is God’s call, not just a response to a spiritual restlessness.

Some key questions I would ask are:

Is Christ honoured as the head of the church?

Is the preaching scriptural?

Is the Holy Spirit at work in the church?

Does the church value missions, evangelism and community care? Is the church dominated by the pastor, or are members of the congregation involved in ministry?

Is there a wide age range in the congregation(s) and are they friendly?

Is the worship focused on the adoration, worship and praise of God?

For me, these questions make the difference between a church that is a fellowship of believers following Jesus, and religious group doing religious things. Of course, there is one further question to ask.

Is God calling you to go to another church, or is His Spirit calling you to bring the freshness of His presence into the church you are in?

How do you deal with having doubts in your faith (e.g. whether God is real)?

Elaine: It’s not wrong to have questions about faith; we all have them from time to time. Neither is doubt the enemy of faith - in fact, it’s often a part of growth! Questioning is a natural step towards deeper understanding, so bring your doubts to God in prayer. Be honest about your feelings and ask for guidance and clarity. Even biblical figures like Job, David and Thomas wrestled with doubts! It’s also important to remember that not every question will have a clear answer. Faith involves trust in what we cannot fully understand (Hebrews 11:1). Accepting this can bring peace in the midst of uncertainty. However, faith needs to become personal, and not a faith that is living off our parents’ faith, or someone else’s. It usually starts with surrendering our life totally to Jesus because we want to, not because we must, or because our family is Christian. When you own your faith, you can go directly to God to ask your ‘doubt’ questions. God is not afraid of your hard questions; He welcomes them and says, ‘Yes, let’s talk! Let’s have a relationship; that is what I’m longing for.’

George: For many people, the current state of the world in all its sickness, suffering, persecution and senseless killing can all lead to doubts and to questions such as, ‘Does God really care, or even exist?’ Another question often asked is, ‘Why doesn’t God intervene?’ or ‘What can we do about these doubts (which we all have at times) when they arise?’ We need to acknowledge that we are dealing primarily with things in the spiritual realm. It’s a realm that a growing number of people in the western world choose to ignore, preferring to believe a humanist dictum that, ‘People are inherently good and can solve all their own problems,’ which is patently untrue! In the spiritual realm we see the clash of two kingdoms – the Kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness. In essence, God’s Kingdom seeks to grow our faith, while the devil’s kingdom seeks to destroy our faith, by raising doubts as he did with Eve in the Garden of Eden. When doubts arise, don’t panic. Step back, pray and ask others to pray with you. Ask for revelation. Reaffirm your trust in Jesus, who said that He is “the way and the truth and the life” (John 14:6). The Holy Spirit - the Spirit of truth - will guide you into all truth.

Do you have questions for George and Elaine?

Message us on Instagram @strangersnz or email strangersmagazine@outlook.com with the subject line ‘AAOC.’